Democrats: Did we say collusion? We meant…
–By Curtice Mang
This week the House Judiciary Committee initiated an investigation into alleged misdeeds by President Donald Trump. The committee requested documents from 81 individuals, including family, business associates and members of his administration. They will subpoena, if necessary.
The timing is interesting, given that the Mueller investigation into Russian collusion will likely end shortly with as much fizz as that can of Coke you opened last weekend, but just discovered in the refrigerator this morning.
Mueller’s investigation used the equivalent of a thermonuclear device to try to nab a killer whale, but instead will likely end up with a couple of smelts, a sturgeon or two and a crappie, all guilty of something that has nothing to do with colluding with the Russians. (Crappie, what a name for a fish. Imagine the bullying that must go on underwater, “There goes crappie, he’s so full of…himself.”)
The Democrats say, well, never mind about the Mueller investigation, we’ll try something else. We just need to make sure we don’t leave it up to the voters to make the same mistake they did in 2016. Have you seen our batch of candidates so far? Not so good. What were we thinking leaving it up to the voters anyway?
Collusion? Did we say collusion? We meant (insert alternative allegation here).
The committee plans to probe three primary topics: obstruction of justice, abuses of power, and public corruption, such as violations of the emoluments clause. Emoluments Clause? Now, I am fairly well versed in the Constitution, yet, I had no idea there was anything in it that requires federal officials to have soft, supple hands.
Oh, wait a minute. My wife, who is much more familiar with hand moisturizers than I am, has just informed me that it isn’t emollient, it’s emolument. The National Eczema Society (yes, there is such a thing) just sent me text concurring with my wife. It turns out emolument as it is referenced in the Constitution means benefiting or profiting from public service. For a clear example of this, please refer to Wikipedia and search for: Clinton, Hillary.
There were a few Founding Fathers who did their share of emolumenting (emolumentation?). For example, John Jay received a horse from the King of Spain, while Benjamin Franklin was given a diamond-encrusted snuff box from Louis XVI of France. While it has never been confirmed, there have long been rumors that Franklin returned the favor by giving King Louis a whoopee cushion and a dribble glass. That Ben, always the jokester.
House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler claims that it’s “very clear” that Trump obstructed justice, yet he is looking for evidence. I always figured one looked for evidence first, then pronounced guilt or innocence, but I guess that’s not how they do things now that the Democrats run the House again.
Nadler added that they will “maybe come up with legislative limits on power or maybe do other things.” Limits on power? I thought it was pretty well established that’s what we had the Constitution for. And I usually get concerned when someone in Congress says something vague like “maybe do other things.” Although, I hear that Chairman Nadler plans on opening up the hearings by singing “If I Had a Hammer,” so, perhaps that’s what he’s referring to.
Regarding the investigation, Nancy Pelosi stated that “to do anything less would be delinquent in our duties.” Speaking of delinquent, she has met Alexandria Octavio-Cortez, right?
The Democrats are somehow shocked (shocked!) that Donald Trump ran businesses before he became president. That’s not how politics are supposed to work. To be president, one should spend an entire career getting a government paycheck, like Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, John Kerry, Joe Biden and the myriad of the nameless, faceless Democrats currently running for president.
So, the committee is requesting documents from anyone and everyone who at some point in their lives may have met Donald Trump. Let’s look at some of those listed in the request for documents and the Democrats rationale:
Eric Trump: He is a son, so he must be guilty of something.
Donald Trump, Jr: He is a son too and has the same name, so he must be guilty, guilty.
Jared Kushner: Not an actual son, but acts like one. Plus, he seems to like Russian dressing. Very suspicious.
Sean Spicer: As press secretary, the committee wants any “personal or work notebook.” Spicer has already complied. The committee seems particularly interested in this entry from April 20, 2017: Picked up a Mexican pizza and soft taco from the Taco Bell drive thru. Realized the Mexican pizza doesn’t travel well. Plus, I spilled hot sauce on my tie.
David Pecker: He is the chairman and CEO of the company that owns the National Enquirer that may have paid money to try to keep an alleged Donald Trump affair quiet. (Sorry, the David Pecker jokes are simply too easy, you’ll have to write them yourselves.)
Millie Pflegg: Groomer for Donald Trump’s dog. Wait, we didn’t think Trump had a dog. Never mind, Trump surely knows someone who owns a dog and this lady gives dogs haircuts. There must be a connection there someplace. She’s got to be up to her eyeballs in something nefarious.
Mark Cuban: Like Trump, Cuban has a lot of money and seems to be on TV a lot. Plus, he may want to run for president someday, maybe as a …Republican.
Radio City Music Hall Rockettes: They are from New York, Trump is from New York. There must be collusion there someplace.
Chuck Woolery: He seems to be a conservative and used to pitch the Willow Curve and Australian Dream cream on TV. Democrats don’t think conservatives should be on TV. Chuck Schumer once used the Willow Curve and Australian Dream and neither helped him grow hair.
As typical in Washington, the Judiciary Committee’s investigation into Donald Trump should be a real circus. The VW vans should be arriving shortly.