The 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidates – The Pander Express

The population of Van Meter, Iowa is 1,016 which, as of this writing, is exactly the same as the number of Democrats who have declared they are running for president in 2020.  It seems appropriate at this time to take a brief look at some of the leading Democrats in the very crowded field.

The population of Van Meter, Iowa is 1,016 which, as of this writing, is exactly the same as the number of Democrats who have declared they are running for president in 2020.  It seems appropriate at this time to take a brief look at some of the leading Democrats in the very crowded field.

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The 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidates – The Pander Express

-By Curtise Mang

The population of Van Meter, Iowa is 1,016 which, as of this writing, is exactly the same as the number of Democrats who have declared they are running for president in 2020.  It seems appropriate at this time to take a brief look at some of the leading Democrats in the very crowded field.

Joe Biden

Biden recently kicked off his presidential campaign via video by declaring “We’re in a battle for America’s soul.”  I am not at all clear about what that means and it’s a safe bet that Joe doesn’t either.  Needless to say, most Americans would prefer that Joe keep his hands to himself and off of their soul.

Biden has come under fire recently for his inability to keep his hands off other people and his nose out of their hair.  He has promised that during the campaign he will neither touch, nor sniff other people without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball.

Biden is 76 years-old and his career in politics dates back to when Aristotle was writing about politics. This will be his third or seventh or eighth run for the presidency.  He has a long track record, first as a senator and later as vice president, of being wrong.  Naturally, this makes him the Democratic front runner.

Group hug, everybody!

Bernie Sanders

The 77-year-old Sanders is the only candidate in the crowded field that makes Biden look young.  Not only is Bernie old, so are his policies. He thinks life in the former Soviet Union was good, in Cuba great and in Venezuela fantastic.

Millennials seem to like Sanders because he reminds them of their grandpa.  Grandpa always gave them stuff when he came to visit, just like Sanders promises.  How will all of the giveaways Sanders proposes be paid for?  Who knows?  Who cares? “We never asked where grandpa got his money,” say Millenials.

Sanders owns a few houses, which seems odd for someone who touts himself as a socialist.  If elected, he promises he will only buy a few more.  Should he lose, he will only buy a few more.

He also thinks prison inmates should be allowed to vote.  I believe he is clearly pandering to the Chicago Democratic base, where the standard political career path is as follows:

  1. Alderman
  2. Legislator
  3. Governor
  4. Prisoner

Elizabeth Warren

Despite the fact that she is still running, her campaign began and ended with her release of the DNA test. That test showed she could very well be 1/1024 Native American, thereby giving justification to her claim to be a minority faculty member at Harvard. What went unreported was that the same test results also showed that she was 1/912 non-dairy dessert topping.

Realizing that her campaign is fading faster than Joe Biden’s memory, she recently announced a plan to eliminate all college tuition debt.  When asked how this would be paid for, she suggested someone should ask Bernie Sanders.  When Sanders was asked, he said, “Go ask grandpa.”  You see where this is going.

She is good at pandering, but not as good as Sanders.

She was also recently asked if she was an Obama Democrat.  She answered that she was an Elizabeth Warren Democrat.  Break out the non-dairy dessert topping.

Kamala Harris

Harris is a former prosecutor and a current United States senator.  She is running for president because, well, everyone else is.  Like Sanders, she likes the idea of allowing prisoners to vote.  She thinks we should have that conversation.  Okay, lets.

Harris: I think prisoners should be allowed to vote.

Me: No!

Harris: But they…

Me: No!  Thanks for the conversation, Senator.

Harris says that if she becomes president, she will enact stricter gun control.  She believes too many people have guns.  Harris has a gun. I believe too many Kamala Harrises have guns.

She can pander with the best of them and prove it, she supports the Green New Deal.

Beto O’Rourke

O’Rourke ran against Ted Cruz for the Senate seat in Texas and lost.  Realizing that Texas and the Senate are not quite big enough for someone of Beto’s stature, he decided he decided to run for president.  For a few weeks, he was the darling of the media until it became clear that he is an empty suit, without the suit.

He likes to stand on tables a lot.  Um, Beto, people often eat on those tables, do you know where your shoes have been? He waves his hands around a lot like he is conducting the El Paso Philharmonic.

Recently he announced an ambitious $5 trillion plan to tackle climate change.  He made this announcement on video while speaking in a forest.  This begs the question, if a Beto talks in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, does anybody care?

Like many of the Democratic candidates, he believes the earth will end in 12 years if something drastic isn’t done about climate change.  That’s why his plan takes full effect by 2050.  Beto is mathematically challenged.

Pete Buttigieg

Buttigieg (pronounced Beto) is the current mayor of South Bend, Indiana.  Of course, the Democratic path to the White House always runs through South Bend.  Buttigieg is now the most recent darling of the media.  He is also gay.  We know this because he keeps telling us.  Enough already, we get it.  We also don’t care.

To keep up in the pandering sweepstakes, he too supports the Green New Deal.  Although he doesn’t really know when the world will end, he’s sure it won’t end while he is president, even if he loses this time around.

Corey Booker

Booker is a current senator from New Jersey.  He is the former mayor of Newark.  Nothing good ever comes out of Newark. Like many of his presidential rivals, he supports the Green New Deal.  He also believes the world will end in 12 years if we don’t forcefully address climate change.  Many Newark residents believe the world has already ended.

He once rescued a person from a burning house.  If I am looking for a president who will rescue me from a burning house, he’s my guy. Otherwise, nothing good comes out of Newark.

Andrew Yang

Yang is an entrepreneur and has never had any previous career in politics.  Yeah, like that will ever work.

He wants to give every American a guaranteed $1,000 a month income.  It will be funded the same way as free college tuition and free Medicare – go talk to grandpa.

Alexandria Octavio-Cortez

Okay, she’s not really running for president – yet.  She hasn’t reached the constitutionally prescribed age to be president.  Not that she knows that as the Constitution is a document she seems to know very little about.  Many of the declared candidates feel the need to pander to the former bartender.  She’s basically Bernie Sanders, but younger, dumber, female and can make way better margaritas.

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Space and time limitations preclude analysis of any further Democratic candidates for president.  The rest of the field is made up of politicians who are less recognizable than many people currently in the federal witness protection program.  To make them feel better, I am including their names here: Julian Castro, John Delany, Tulsi Gabbard, Kirsten Gillibrand, Mike Gravel, John Hickenlooper, Jay Inslee, Amy Klobuchar, Wayne Messam, Seth Mouton, Tim Ryan, Eric Swalwell, Marianne Williamson.

Whew!  That list is exhausting.  How they will all fit into a VW is beyond me.  Van Meter, Iowa, you better be prepared for the onslaught, the Pander Express is headed your way.

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